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| E-mail me some of your jokes...... Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!" What a woman says: Cmon...This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now! What a man hears: C'MON....blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW! A guy was fishing through a hole in the ice, and after half-an-hour was getting nowhere. He thought that maybe the fish were clumping in some other areas, so decided to drill another hole. After another wasted half-an-hour, he started drilling yet another hole when he heard a voice coming from all around: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE". The guy paused, then carried on. Again came the voice: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE". The guy, somewhat awed, said "Is that you, God?" and the voice replied "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK". There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!" So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends..... So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath.... So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?" The wife says, "getting a second opinion!" An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Mother." Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk. A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!" A little boy stops in front of a church with his bike and he sees the priest come out. The priest says "Come inside, I want to show you something". The little boy says to the priest, "But somebody will steal my bike". The priest says to him "Don't worry, the Holy Spirit will watch it". So the little boy goes inside and the priest says, "Let me show you how to do the sign of the cross. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now you try it". So the boy says, "In the name of the Father and the Son, Amen". The priest says, "What happened to the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied "He's outside, watching my bike". Once upon a time there was a pastor. He was driving down the road and his car broke down. He got out and started walking. Soon, he came to a farm. He asked the farmer if he could borrow a horse. The farmer agreed, but warned: "Sir, but this isn't no ordinary horse. You have to say "praise the Lord" to make it go, and "Amen" to make it stop". The pastor said "Oh, that's easy, I'm a pastor. So he jumped on the horse and said "Praise the Lord!" and the horse took off down the road. About an hour down the road (close to his destination), a rattlesnake came out in front of the horse, and the horse, rather startled turned and ran off the road, through the woods, straight for a cliff. The pastor forgot what to say, so he said a prayer, and at the end of the prayer, of course, he said "Amen". Screech!! The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff! The pastor looked down and sees all of the thousands of feet down that he had almost plundered... and to give thanks to God, he yelled out "Praise the Lord!!!!" Thomas Myers A man and a women walk into a bar and order a drink for every person in the bar. They are very happy. When the bar-tender asks them why they are so happy, they reply: "We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months". "Two months?" the bar-tender exclaimed, "it's not supposed to take that long." "That's not true," said the woman, "it said 2 to 4 years on the box." The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high, and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half-way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more and more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap. Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE !" Marlene Norris There were three rich men: a Canadian, a Russian and an American. They all wanted to show off to each other so they each bought a toilet. The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet. The next day the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off it." The day after that the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom." The next day, the American came and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem and I have to stand up." Jonathan Harris Once upon a time, there was a policeman that saw a man sitting in a car with a tiger sitting next to him. The police officer said, "It's against the law to have a tiger in your car. Take him to the zoo." The next day the police officer saw the same man in the same car with the same tiger. The police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that tiger to the zoo." The man replied, "I did. He liked it. Now we're going to the beach." Lauren Kreager, aged 5 There were 3 tomatoes, a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son". Paul Acosta Yo mamma's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas In The Mist" in her shower. Yo mamma's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples. Yo mamma's so stupid, when the computer said, "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mamma's so stupid, she wiped her ass before she took a shit. Yo mamma's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mamma's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. Yo mamma's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. Yo mamma's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mamma's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mamma's like a hockey goalie, she changes pads after three periods. Yo mamma's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her. I could have been yo daddy but the monkey beat me up the stairs. After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells the man, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, then there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish! The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good new....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?" Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat were in her right now Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions ! Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!! Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off!!! Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!! Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development Yo momma so fat she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94" Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler" Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home. Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like shit because he would rather kiss her ass. Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money Yo momma so poor you go out for sunday pushes of the skateboard |
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